i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
