I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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