she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
