Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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