we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there was a trapeze. enough said
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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