your parents love me but you hate me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
