Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
