so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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