Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
