you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
