wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
