it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
