the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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