she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
