Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
