He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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