That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
