thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
