She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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