I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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