saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
