u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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