At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
