I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
