I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
