I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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