I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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