i used baking grease as lip gloss
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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