I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
