You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize