In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
