I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
