Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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