nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
