Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
