The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's blow job season.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
