its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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