Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
