No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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