Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
