I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
