dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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