getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
