Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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