Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
