Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
