He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
