Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
