I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
