Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
