I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
