Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
