Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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